The Amazing Spiderman. *hearts everywhere*
I mean, just look at him. He’s smoldering
hotcute. Yeah, cute. The term ‘hot’ doesn’t particularly suit him. Well, for me. But hey, admit it or deny it, he captured your hearts.
And he didn’t fail to turn me on. LOOOOL. :)))
He and Emma Stone really clicked. They’re adorable together. :”>
"Admit it. You’re waiting for something that won’t happen."
“All I ever wanted was you. Just you.” —
"WHO IS YOUR FIRST LOVE?"
I was stunned for seconds upon hearing her question. “Why do you ask?” I asked, helping her put her stuff back in their places. “Nothing. I’m just curious,” she showed me her pleading eyes which made me guffaw.
"His name’s Ryan. Ryan Lex Reinnard.”
How could we forget out first love, right? He was my first love and first heartbreak. Well, aside from having my chocolates stolen or ice cream accidentally hits the floor during my childhood days. Anyway, he is my first love. (Redundancy? XD)
I was just a freshman when I fell in love. I was just 12. LOL. Almost 13. December 2009 when we first talked.
The funny thing is.. we were miles and miles apart and only the internet had connected us. I fell in love with the guy in the monitor. Crazy as it seems but I really fell. Hard.
My friends knew him. Yes. Elisabelle and Chrizzia. The three of us. And I was happy. That’s the first time I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Not be able to sleep at night. Thinks of him. I was never the girl who smiles and too transparent. But I could literally smile like I won.
I smiled like a fool in love.
Me: We’re too young. We’ll be in college soon and you’ll forget about me. There are lots of girls for you to meet. You’re smoldering hot, you know. NO! Don’t you dare tell me to go see an eye specialist because you are friggin’ cute. Anyway.. it’s just that.. *insert sighing emoticon here since we were still Yahoo! haha.*
Ryan:No. I won’t forget you. I promised you, right? Just trust me. I told you many times that I will wait for you. Because we both know we had to prioritize our studies and family. Especially God. So.. just don’t think about those negative thoughts. I love you, Yv.
Me: You always leave me speechless. *insert blushing emoticon here* I love you too, Ry.
He was my Ry. And I was his Yv.
He’s half-Filipino and half-German.
He has a younger brother. Same age with my sister. He lived in Manila and studied at Philippine Science High School. While I, of course, live here in Lucban and studied at SLSU.
We’re in the same age. And we love music.
Another thing is.. he’s into Stefan Salvatore's character. While I'm into Elena Gilbert's character. I love to collect books especially the fictions. The first ever fictional book I had was Vampire Diaries.
That’s where I fell in love with Stefan Salvatore and I felt like I was Elena Gilbert. *giggles*
From that moment, we called each other Stefan and Elena.
Because of him, I had to change my DP in Facebook as Elena Gilbert. (Watch it on ETC every Tuesday night)
He was my Stefan Salvatore. The sweet Stefan of my life. And I was his endearing Elena Gilbert.
We were each other’s first. How sweet.
"Ate! Come on! Let’s see the sunset outside," my younger sister called out for me. I was busy thinking about Ry’s sudden absence. "Hmm. Good idea," I stood up and then I felt a thing falling down from my neck and— "Shit!" I cussed. My marble necklace! I just had it engraved with "Ry and Yv" on it!
"Oh, no. Ate.. that could be a bad sign," my sister said, looking worried. I frowned at her. "Stop it!" I immediately get the cracked marble and find a mighty bond. I sat on my bed and looked at my necklace.
It exactly had a crack on “&” which connects Ryan and I. I remembered what my sister told me earlier. “Oh, no. Please no. Not now..” I muttered and shoved away all of the negative thoughts.
Ryan: Hey. I’m sorry I couldn’t contact you. I’m busy with Mom. She got hospitalized and I ought to look out for her. She had her cardiac arrest and if it attacked her once again.. I’m afraid we might lose her. I don’t know what to do, Yv. I love her so much..
I was really surprised to see his name popped out in my chat box. I was saddened upon his message and a bit glad to see him share his thoughts. I told him everything I thought about his situation. I cheered him up.
"Thank you. I really can’t imagine going on without you. I love you, Yv."
I answered him with a smile. I just wish he could see me.
I prayed for his mother that night. And I thanked God for having him in my life.
But life was full of surprises.
[ He’s back! He dyed his hair black. And.. his mom just died yesterday. ] A text message from Elisabelle.
I immediately logged in on FB and checked on his account. He changed… a lot.
'He got hotter, don't you think?' my malicious mind interrupted.
I was a bit scared. It had been weeks. Almost a month, to be exact since I he last logged in.
And it surprised me a bit.
I tried to talk to him. He was cold. Really cold.
Me: So.. it’s over then?
Ryan: Oui. (Yes.)
I turned off my laptop in a swift and crawled up to my bed. I just cried there all night long. And when I woke up, I see my eyes puffy as crap.
I couldn’t accept the fact that it was all over. I loved him, for Pete’s sake!
I haven’t watched the Vampire Diaries because I go all teary eyed whenever I see Stefan Salvatore.
I cried everyday. Every night. My friends were all worried and somehow annoyed of my pathetic little acts.
I tried to message him again but he got his account disabled.
FUCK NO. :(((
I thought he would wait! That he won’t leave me! HE PROMISED ME!
I just.. can’t take it anymore.
So.. I searched Google the best ways to move on.
I was too sad to understand what’s in it. So I just turned on the TV and surprisingly.. it was VD.
In that episode, Stefan had to leave Elena. And Elena just kept on holding on. Not giving up..
I just can’t move on yet. Not now.
I’ll still wait..
"Valerry! He posted on your wall! It’s RYAN! OH MY GOSH! LOG IN NOW!" My friends told me. I think I just ran out of blood.
I couldn’t wait to go home. Luckily, we only have one subject to go and we’re off.
As soon as I got home. I struggled to get to the laptop first before my sister could. Mehehehe.
My fingers were shaking. My heart was pounding.
And there…. he really came back.
I never thought that deactivating your account could still get you recovered? Hm.
[ Hey. Thank you for the birthday greeting. I’m sorry if I had to leave then. I’ll explain everything later. ]
I swear my blood drained. I literally screamed! Squealed to be exact. I was so happy. I was relieved! The next day, I was giggly and they were all wondering why. Only my friends know.
I forgot one thing.
He already broke my heart once. He can do it again.
Days.. weeks.. months.. have passed.
I still waited for his “later”. But no explanation was stated.
His account was deactivated once again.
As usual.. I cried.
I don’t know what triggered be but the next day, I started to be bitter.
There were some guys tried to declare their feelings for me. Especially my classmate. He had an undying “crush” on me since 1st year and when he confessed to me about that, I harshly rejected him.
I broke his heart.. like he did to me.
I don’t know what’s with me but I changed like that.
I still am completely head over heels in love with him. I can’t move on. I tried so hard to let go. But here I am.. trying to get in contact with him.
Fate must have really brought us together.
I had a contact with him. I won’t tell how it happened. LOL.
His words crashed me. Literally.
I never loved you. It was all a lie. SATISFIED?
Ryan is now offline.
I immediately sent him my reply. I burst out in tears as I was typing. I let all my feelings out. I cursed him to death! But thanked him at the end. I immediately cleared the history in my web browser and logged out.
I cried in my pillow til my heart’s content.
I swear this will be the last time I’m gonna cry.
I won’t let my heart get fooled again.
That’s why I flinch whenever I hear Ryan. A name.
I always cry whenever I see Stefan and Elena have a scene together. In today’s episode of Vampire Diaries, Elena is now in love with somebody else and has finally moved on from the past.
Today? I just sigh and smile whenever they ask me about my first love.
I’m in college now. Past is past. If it wasn’t because of him, I wouldn’t be as strong as right now.
We learn from our mistakes.
How about you? :)
"I guess we’re better off as friends, don’t you think?"
These past few weeks, I became distant to him. Really distant. And I don’t know why. It was like, his presence irritates me. That I don’t want to see him and believe it or not, I rejoice whenever he’s absent. Which barely happens.
He’s always late but never gone.
I talked with my friends about this and they had the same reactions:
"Oh my gosh. You don’t like him anymore?"
"Geez. Don’t you miss him?"
"Why, oh why?"
“Val, it’s either your feelings were gone OR it’s absolutely NOTHING.”
And believe it or not, I was really problematic. I know that he knows I’m being distant. Before I could try to ask mom about this thing, my tongue was tied.
I had never tried to open a heart-to-heart talk with my mom nor my dad. But rather, my mom just told me a situation from her teenage years and guess what.. we had the same situation! She was fascinated to see me react the same with her. So, she gave me an advice:
"Sweetie, at your age, you are all reckless. Teenagers.*shrugs* Whether you like it or not, you’ll eventually fall in love.. and get hurt. But that’s part of everyone’s life. Right? In your situation, no one could blame you for feeling that way. Remember, it is you who feel. Not them.
"Maybe, you were just challenged. You flowed with your feelings. But as far as I can see, you put up your limitations and built walls. I’m in favor of that, honey. Besides, the things you should prioritize are GOD, Family, Friends and your studies. Remember, you are allowed to be courted and have a decent boyfriend once you become 18. Right age, right time. Got it? Oh! Graduate and get a job first.
"He’s the guy. He is the one pursuing. You warned him how complicated you can get, right? But still, he dared. It’s his duty, anyway. Haha. Anyway, if you don’t like him, just tell him. Not giving him false hopes. (ME: Mom! I like him. Duh? You know that.) Okay, okay! So there. Never play with people’s feelings, sweetie. I am just telling you.
"I admit.. your daddy and I don’t like him for you. BUT. We aren’t interposing with your feelings towards him. We are just guiding you.
Lastly, never forget to pray. AND.. Always remember that you already have a boyfriend..”
"Daddy," I smiled at Mom.
I was really thankful that night. At least we could talk of other things. I felt a good ease in my chest when I talked to her. HAYYY.
October 7, 2013 (Monday)
One of his friends talked to me. Xy, his buddy, also my friend. Nag-open ako ng problema. I shared my thoughts to him. Just a little info because I want Ash to be the first one to know. Of course. He should hear this by himself and not from others.
I know that feeling.
So.. I talked to him. We were in the tricycle, heading home. I opened that topic. I started with….
"Maybe it’d be a lot easier if we really just stay as friends. End up this MU thing we are in. I mean.. look, instead getting by and just chill, we end up getting stressed," I calmly said while brushing off some strands off my face.
He’s calm. what could he be thinking about?
"Yeah.. I noticed too. You were so distant these.. days. What’s wrong?" This time, he asked me.
What’s wrong, anyway?
"We’ll talk some other time," he said and bid goodbye. I did the same.. goodbye for now. The tricycle driver has dropped me home already, so.. LOL.
Then he never called that night like he used to. I ask myself. But I don’t miss him at all. Yet.
I was surprised by my phone’s continuous vibration. Who would call me, anyway?
I looked at my phone and quite surprised to see his name.
"Oh, hello?" I answered.
[Uhm.. How are you?]
Woah. Seems like he’s not affected.. at all? "Uh, I’m fine."
[Well.. what were you telling me yesterday? I want to talk about it.]
"I told you already. Weren’t you listening?"
[Not enough said. Haha. Come on.. What’s wrong?]
I took a deep breath. "Look, as what I’ve said, I think we’re better off as friends. Right? I mean, look.. I admit. I still feel distant with you. I might get along well but.. we haven’t reached the comfort zone yet where I could really be "myself" when I’m with you. Where I could no longer feel shy or something.."
[I told you I’m not just your lover. I’m also a friend—]
"I know, right? I tried to push you to my comfort zone. But things don’t go well. See? I told you "friendship" should really come first."
[Well, there’s no difference, right? Although we’re in a MU stage, we are getting to know each other. To the things I’m doing to you are things that guy do when they are courting. The only difference is that you forbid me to do so and I insist. Tell me, where did I go wrong? Have I done something terrible to you? Tell me.]
I shook my head as I switched my phone to my other ear. I sighed. "The only terrible thing you did was.. choosing to love me. Look, I know this sounds crazy but.. we could still be friends, though.. I mean—”
[Yeah! Of course. You know, I’m still thankful that we could still be friends. I thought you were going to push me off and we’d be like “strangers”. Hahaha! Well, I’d still wait until you reach 18. So, I’ll date girls as I wait. JOKE! HAHA—]
"You could. Actually, you really can. I am not forbidding you or something."
[No.. I was really just kidding. You know… I don’t just replace the “one that got away” that easy. I mean—]
"A piece of respect to the memories you had. Right? Haha. I know. I guess we won’t be awkward, don’t you think?"
[How can you be so sure?]
[You know.. you’re so kind.]
[You think of other’s sake before yours. I admire that..]
"Psh. Me? Kind? Psh! Ridiculous. Hahaha… so…"
[So.. can I still walk you home?]
I laughed. Really laughed. "It depends. Haha! Stop it, you dumb."
[Psh. So.. I won’t call you “babe” anymore?]
I smiled a bit. "Awww.. no, not anymore."
[Well then.. Hahaha! Okay, I’ll call you later. By the way, I missed this. I missed your lively voice.]
"Really? Haha. Okay. Bye. :)"
Guess what? I felt relief. Seriously. I was able to laugh with his lame jokes earlier again. I missed that, too.
I know he’s hurt. And I hate to think that I’m the reason why. This is one of the reasons why I decided to do this. And as I was scrolling on Tumblr’s dashboard, I saw this:
I was once the "brokenhearted". I learned a lot and later on, called the "heartbreaker". It’s not like I wanted to hurt anyone.
It’s just.. I break theirs first before they break mine.
I do the “walking away” before I do anything reckless. I might hurt him more so I decided to walk away.
Do you understand me? I hope you do.
It is I who feel. Not you.
"We weren’t sisters by birth but fate brought us together to be sisters by heart." Had a date with Jai (Monique Dator) at Buddy’s Tayabas, Quezon. Hahaha. Namiss ko ‘to, promise. #SundayDate #Joj&Jai #love #friends #twins
"When life gives you reasons to cry, then show life you have reasons to SMILE."
I hate tears. I hate crying. I have always hated crying. It makes me look weak. I am not being offensive for those who don’t think crying ain’t weakness. This is my point of view.
But there would be this annoying moment when I had to cry. That I had to burst into tears because I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I thought this pain would fade eventually. Turns out, it didn’t. It just made my chest go loaded and all. This is not a simple lovey dovey problem that we usually come up into.
Have you ever felt that you’re just a freaking living doll?
For years, since 2nd year high school, I think, my life seemed to be in deja vu. My mom would ask the same questions. "How was school, sweetie?", "Why are you late?", and such. I hardly remember the last time when we actually had a heart-to-heart talk like mothers and daughters do.Well, that’s what I see in movies and read on books.
My dad is a seaman and works in abroad. He comes home every 3 months. I barely talk with dad. I know, this is very common.
My sister.. we were so close. So tight. Yes, until now. But.. I don’t know. Something just really changed? She even got a boyfriend without telling me. I thought we were tight. Hm, I guess so, too. I remember when we were still kids. I used to be the protective Ate and she was this sweet little bunso. Yes, yes. Everything changes.
This little things.
I even thought of myself as a disappointment. Whenever I think of that, it cringes my heart.
I’ve talked with Mom about this once. I think that was our Recollection (February 2013)and I burst into tears while talking to her. I promised myself that that was going to be the last time she’ll ever see me cry about certain things that hurt me.
MOM, that day, I told you how I felt whenever my little sister have everything she wants and I didn’t.
How I felt when you seem to give her the special treatment and I don’t.
How I felt when you always tell me you couldn’t go to the meetings that were going to be held in our school and always asks grandpa to attend.
How I felt when you break simple promises.
How I felt when I tried explaining why I did those bad stuff but you wouldn’t listen.
How I felt when you couldn’t appreciate my efforts. When I really tried my best to get those good grades but failed to do so..
How I felt when you wouldn’t go giggly and listen to my moments with my crush.
How I felt when you told me I never cared for you and Dad’s feelings.
That I always disappoint you.
That I didn’t do any good.
I cried. I cried all my heart out that day. You listened to me. You told me, "Sweetie, I love you. We love you. We’re.. sorry if we ever made you feel that way. But honey, you’re wrong. You and your sister are gifts to us. Don’t think otherwise, okay?"
I felt relief that day. I thought it would bring up any change.
But days go by, it seems like a whole boring scenario everyday.
I have thought of it just last week. And it saddens me.
Depression was eating me these past few weeks. I couldn’t open this up with mom and dad.
Then last Thursday afternoon, my dad called. He hasn’t called often like he usually does. I tried not to cry but when he asked me..
"How’s school, sweetie?"
Fine. Striving hard to get high grades but I aimed a just-good-enough grades. ”I’m fine, Dad.”
"Really? Where’s your mommy?"
"At home, dad. I’m still in school."
"Is that so? I’ll call later, okay? I love you."
Then I burst into tears. I couldn’t hold on any longer! It’s like I’m going to die if I didn’t let it all out.
While crying, my friends were comforting me and I was mentally cursing myself for breaking down. That was the first time they saw me cry.
the weak me.
Even Ash got worried. He saw me cry, for pete’s sake! WTF? That was the last thing I am going to do in my entire life.
After pouring it out, I managed to report properly in our ICT subject and smile even just a little. I’m so blessed to have friends like them.
"You should open this up with your mom. Keeping it for yourself won’t do any good, babe. So.. this is the reason why you were so cold these past few days? You were having a problem and you didn’t tell me. I know! I’m not your boyfriend to act like this but I’m a boy who loves you. You know I’m always here. Please, don’t forget that I am just not a guy in love with you. I am also a friend..”Ash said between my soft sobs. We were standing in front of my best guy friend’s house. Yeah.. I was distancing myself from him.
Maybe because of my family problem. But.. I know there’s something more.
I just don’t want to be near him. I don’t know why.
So, there. My friends never failed to give me the comfort. I am thankful.
Right now, my mom has been asking me tons of questions regarding my unusual behavior. Why was I acting like a depressed person?
As much as I’ve wanted to open up, I couldn’t. I don’t want to cry in front of her. Why would she has to know? It’s not like it would change a thing.
Besides, I’ve opened up to my sister already. And it will be only between her, my friends, God, and I.